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Will I lose my dignity?

Will someone care?

1/5/07 11:24 pm - I've disappeared in my own regard.

I ate two and a half donughts and feel like I'm gonna die.  Blahgh.

My past week has been unbelievably packed.

Lauren came over Friday before New Year's.  We hung out...we hung out with Jeff.
I had someone tell me I was a female version of them.
Skeezers still adore me.
I look wicked awesome with cat eyes.
Clubs on New Years are the way to go.
I kissed my two best friends at midnight.
My friend still has my whip.
I was woken up to find my friend in serious need of medical attention.
I'm dying to ask some questions that I know I shouldn't ever speak aloud.
I cried for the first time in a long time because I was scared my friend was going to die.
She's still in the hospital.
I've never had someone hold me like that.
I'm not a strong person unless I'm being strong for someone I love.
More than one person has said "I love you" to me in the past few days.
They meant it.
I've bought so many books lately, it's ridiculous.
My brother informed me of an abusive situation that has infuriated me.
Lauren's still here.
I'm elated.
I would do anything if I could make things better for everyone.
I really want to work at Borders.

11/18/06 07:48 pm - Alone, the world speaks to you.

There is a wonderful musician singing to me.  Not to me, but us.  All of us.  
The song, Jenny's still in June.

The highlights that hit me in the face:
"Taking her time, and waiting to see how it goes.  With her tatooos and piercings she keeps you guessing where she's going.  Jenny's still in June.  My JuneBug.  Goodbye JuneBug.  If you wanna find her, that's where you'll find her.  What of you Jenny?"

I swear it spoke to me.  I've been in June before...of course, Jeni...Jenny...whatever.  Beautiful.  I'm guessing where I'm going, and so is everyone else...I'm a mystery to myself and everyone, every angel and demon perching on my shoulders from time to time...all confused.  We're finding a new alteration making the outside a beautiful wrapping paper every so often.  Beautiful and distinct, shiny and new, all the art for all the feeling.  Eleisha Eagle.  She was a muse for me to see that I miss my June.  My June found me and has been nipping at the 5" heels I've adopted...the lace being chewed and pulled, the pants giving way to skirts getting shorter to avoid the bites of the past that I don't know is only trying to get my attention.  I'm not a meal, I'm a nurturer.  It misses me and I don't know where I've been or where it's been, but I was in love with myself once upon a time, then I fell in love.  I forgot me and my June.  I thought it was only tomorrow...the wise know history repeats itself.

(sorry, an aside:  Run away, go home.  This is what I need to hear, for the world knows everything happens for a reason...I'm here because, because, because I love.  I love.  I love what?  I love me.  That's not the crime I thought punishable by death.)

June was lost because I was scared.  Something happened and went wrong...but it wasn't June's fault.  It was a scapegoat for something darker and much more lonely.  I do believe I ran because I didn't know what was happening.  How can I ever know what happened.  Maybe I needed to see the shadows to appreciate the clouds.  Maybe the clouds were never there.  I just dropped my head, closed my eyes, pulled the covers a little too high, a little too tight.  It was only as cold and lonely as I let it be, and I forgot to love me.  No one else could love me, they saw what I was, the spark in my eyes screaming to be let back out, the fire wanting to re-ignite and burn the wild way it did before I smothered it...I loved my fire.  We all loved my fire.  We don't know what was burning and like any fire, no one really knows what is burning, where the heat is going or what started it.  But that fire is my love, my love is my fire.  It's nothing but a paradox, a terribly complicated cycle that you have to jump into.  Like jumping onto a carousel hoping for the swan or unicorn...the tiger...dodging the horses, try and retry as many times as it takes to get the most beautiful animal.  Not knowing which one is the most beautiful until you've tired the others.  I've jumped back onto my beautiful animal.  The fire in that animal burning; matching the fire in my eyes rekindling my vigor.  The vigor that made Jeni who she is and was and loves and loved and is loved to be and as which was loved.  I was lost in the cold, the blanket pulled too tight, but the fraying fabric gave under too much pressure, too much stretching.  Is this what happiness feels like; or is it freedom; confidence; pride; growing up?  

Will we know...and if we know would it take away from the mesmerizing qualities of it?  If I can keep it, I don't care what it is called, but I do care how to care for it, nurture...my June is back and I will never leave her again.  I'll let her grow with me.  Maybe she'll grow into a July and I, a Jennifer...but that is another chapter, another me that will be loved in time.  

Thank you all, for you have contributed in one way or another.  If you stitched the blanket with me, thank you because I wouldn't understand what I do.  Those of you who loved me in any way at any point in time...thank you.  I love you though I may not know which of you it is, you are my heart and if neither of us ever know it, you will be thanked.  You will be repaid.  May you find your fire, your ice, your carousel animal, your perfect fit.

11/9/06 06:16 pm - Holy HELL! it's crazy how this worked out.

Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -
So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Opening Credits: Jack Off Jill - American Made

Waking Up:  Alien Ant Farm - Movies

Falling in Love:  Papa Roach - Crash

Fight scene:  30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Breaking up:  Korn - Hollow Life

Getting back together:  Evanescense - Missing

Secret Love:  Blink 182 - Give Me One Good Reason

Life's okay:  Forgive Durden - Beware the Jub Jub Bird and Shun the Fruminous Bandersnatch

Mental breakdown:  Korn - Kill You

Driving Flashback:  Crossfade - Broken Like an Angel

Partying: Halifax - Our Last Dance

Happy Dance:  The Used - Maybe Memories

Regretting:  Papa Roach - Thrown Away

Long night alone:  Kittie - Charlotte

Final Battle:  Shinedown - Save Me

Death scene:  Papa Roach - Between Angels and Insects

End credits: Lacuna Coil - Falling Again

11/9/06 03:21 am - To all of you.

It's okay. I filled it in. I'm not going to hurt over stupid shit anymore. Be happy...I will too. Love you all. Now fuck off.

10/19/06 10:11 am - I'm a reckless...I'm a reckless goddamned sonofabitch.

I'm dying today.  I didn't know the date of a day could make you want to just shrivel up and not breathe for a while.  I've been throwing up all day.  I've cried every second I'm alone.  I just want to call her and beg her to love me...to be with me...but I know she doesn't want me.

THREE FUCKING YEARS THREEGODDAMNEDYEARS.  WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO!?!?

10/13/06 12:02 am - DYING!

I LEFT MY PHONE AT WORK!  

Way to bring in Friday 13th...dammit.

10/10/06 02:20 am - admiration and loathing

Ok, so first, the loathing.  My hotmail account is down for whatever reason and I feel like I'm going fucking insane...I know I have three unread messages and can't check them...don't know who they're from.  grrrbitch.

admiration...I'm in someone else's shoes and I don't like the way they fit...how did you do it?

9/22/06 12:32 am - all cried out with nothing to drink

My phone sucks now...I broke it.  Only my speaker phone works...so my ear speaker is shit.  My dad called me while I was at work and he left me a sad voice mail.  He was practically begging me to call him.  I feel like shit lately and haven't thought of much of anyone other than myself.  I need to do that right now or I am not going to be able to pull myself out of whatever I'm in.  It sounds selfish for a few minutes then I realize, if I don't take care of me, no one else will.  Deep breath.   I need to call him.  I feel bad, I haven't talked to him in almost a month.  He hasn't seen me since May. 

7/13/06 10:55 pm - Tired of people asking.

If you are asking me a question about my quiz...please read this before you ask.

Ich liebe dich. - German
Ik houd van u. - Dutch
I love you. - English
Je t'aime. - French
Te amo. - Spanish

It all means the same thing...it all translates to "I love you."
And notice the last one is Spanish, not Italian, do not try to correct me, I am either fluent in the language I listed or asked someone who is for these translations. 

Yeah, I'm just tired of people being lazy and asking me what this means instead of looking it up.

6/5/06 06:28 pm - Friends List

I purged my friends list greatly...either because I was not on your friends list or because you haven't updated in at least 3 weeks. Comment if you wish to be re-added...or added for the first time :)
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