There is a wonderful musician singing to me. Not to me, but us. All of us.
The song, Jenny's still in June.
The highlights that hit me in the face:
"Taking her time, and waiting to see how it goes. With her tatooos and piercings she keeps you guessing where she's going. Jenny's still in June. My JuneBug. Goodbye JuneBug. If you wanna find her, that's where you'll find her. What of you Jenny?"
I swear it spoke to me. I've been in June before...of course, Jeni...Jenny...whatever. Beautiful. I'm guessing where I'm going, and so is everyone else...I'm a mystery to myself and everyone, every angel and demon perching on my shoulders from time to time...all confused. We're finding a new alteration making the outside a beautiful wrapping paper every so often. Beautiful and distinct, shiny and new, all the art for all the feeling. Eleisha Eagle. She was a muse for me to see that I miss my June. My June found me and has been nipping at the 5" heels I've adopted...the lace being chewed and pulled, the pants giving way to skirts getting shorter to avoid the bites of the past that I don't know is only trying to get my attention. I'm not a meal, I'm a nurturer. It misses me and I don't know where I've been or where it's been, but I was in love with myself once upon a time, then I fell in love. I forgot me and my June. I thought it was only tomorrow...the wise know history repeats itself.
(sorry, an aside: Run away, go home. This is what I need to hear, for the world knows everything happens for a reason...I'm here because, because, because I love. I love. I love what? I love me. That's not the crime I thought punishable by death.)
June was lost because I was scared. Something happened and went wrong...but it wasn't June's fault. It was a scapegoat for something darker and much more lonely. I do believe I ran because I didn't know what was happening. How can I ever know what happened. Maybe I needed to see the shadows to appreciate the clouds. Maybe the clouds were never there. I just dropped my head, closed my eyes, pulled the covers a little too high, a little too tight. It was only as cold and lonely as I let it be, and I forgot to love me. No one else could love me, they saw what I was, the spark in my eyes screaming to be let back out, the fire wanting to re-ignite and burn the wild way it did before I smothered it...I loved my fire. We all loved my fire. We don't know what was burning and like any fire, no one really knows what is burning, where the heat is going or what started it. But that fire is my love, my love is my fire. It's nothing but a paradox, a terribly complicated cycle that you have to jump into. Like jumping onto a carousel hoping for the swan or unicorn...the tiger...dodging the horses, try and retry as many times as it takes to get the most beautiful animal. Not knowing which one is the most beautiful until you've tired the others. I've jumped back onto my beautiful animal. The fire in that animal burning; matching the fire in my eyes rekindling my vigor. The vigor that made Jeni who she is and was and loves and loved and is loved to be and as which was loved. I was lost in the cold, the blanket pulled too tight, but the fraying fabric gave under too much pressure, too much stretching. Is this what happiness feels like; or is it freedom; confidence; pride; growing up?
Will we know...and if we know would it take away from the mesmerizing qualities of it? If I can keep it, I don't care what it is called, but I do care how to care for it, nurture...my June is back and I will never leave her again. I'll let her grow with me. Maybe she'll grow into a July and I, a Jennifer...but that is another chapter, another me that will be loved in time.
Thank you all, for you have contributed in one way or another. If you stitched the blanket with me, thank you because I wouldn't understand what I do. Those of you who loved me in any way at any point in time...thank you. I love you though I may not know which of you it is, you are my heart and if neither of us ever know it, you will be thanked. You will be repaid. May you find your fire, your ice, your carousel animal, your perfect fit.